Tuesday, December 25, 2007
What do you know about Santa Claus?
12/25/2007 05:38:00 PM
The heavily bearded 'Claus' in a rare unguarded pose
History
Santa Claus (aka Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, Papa Christopher, Chris Tingle) first became known to the popular media in 1955, when, inspired by the then famous 'Coca Cola[1]' brand he swapped his traditional leiderhosen for a warmer red number and became an overnight sensation. It is speculated that, by endorsing the cola, he quickly became addicted to its iressistable qualities.
Criminal Record
Santa's criminal record can kick Freddy Krugor's criminal recods'sesse's ass. He is notorious for breaking into little children's homes and raeping them good and proper to his catch phrase, "Merry Monglemas every body!". There have been 5,430,553,603,569 records in the past 100 years.
Although evidence has been plentiful, CSI has had numerous problems trying to track the jolly fat man down mainly because he lives at one of the most geographically remote places possible - the north pole.
This child was exposed to Santa for less than a minute
Transport
Santa Claus is alleged to transport himself by means of a sleigh (or sledge) drawn by a team of 6 or 7 reindeer (or caribou): Dasher, Dancer, Dandy, Primper, Comet Superstore, Vixen and Randy. Whilst it is true the reindeer can fly they are only capable of slower than light travel, Santa's preferred mode of propulsion is what is known in some circles as the gravity
drive. The gravity drive simply requires Santa to consume one child before commencing on his journey which causes him to become infinitely obese and thus space and time itself bend around him causing time to travel slower for all the inhabitants of the Earth. There is of course a second opinion that follows that Santa
travels through a rip in the space time continuum that is only possible to open if you are fat and gay.
Speculation & Suspicion
Santa Claus has long been the object of suspicion in many global cultures, due to: - His habit of coming down chimneys
- His fondness for elves
- The lap thing
- The jolliness
- The drinking
- Involvement in National Emo Kid Beatdown Day
- Him being crowned the world's most dangerous pervert as of 2001
A Middle-Eastern Claus
An early example of a British Claus
An Amish Claus
An Aboriginal Claus
This is the last known sighting of Santa as of today
